I’ve reviewed your situation with Matt and he was wondering if you’d answer the following questions.
This will help him give you personalized advice for your situation.
1. when did your ED start? What led up to it?
2. do you view porn? Ever? How often?
No problem I don’t mind answering these questions. Any other helpful tips you may have are very much appreciated. I apologize in advance for the long letter but here it goes.
My ED started in 2006 to around 2007. I am a bit fuzzy on the exact days but I really started noticing it in 2008. Now to know what led to it would be a life changing event. My wife was almost killed in a car accident back in 2004. She did suffer some serious injuries that led to her having to retrain some physical movements and a few surgeries. Although I do still question a possible PTSD, I am so glad she did not suffer a brain injury.
From then forward, I became her care taker. Some symptoms of her injury are still present but, she is healing nicely. With that life change came another. My dad passed away at the young age of 60 back in 2006. He had cancer of the lungs in stage 4. This wonderful man fought for 9 months before the disease claimed his life. I was overwhelmed with putting all his affairs in order so I can help my mother get back on track.
My job was demanding since I worked for a medical device company for 10 years. I started in the individual contributor role and moved to a management position in 2005. Everything was going great. In 2008/2007 the company tripled in size and that meant we had to deal with performance issues. I had a lot of responsibility to turn things around. A lot of corporate drama was going on. There was everything from yelling, backstabbing and a lot of people questioning each other. My proposed plan was ignored and I was not feeling useful at that work environment. I was understaffed so I had to overwork for 3 years. My hours were deadly 70 hours to 80 hours a week. I really was beat down and my marriage suffered.
So in 2012 we picked up to come into the Florida environment. We left the snow and grey skies that we were living in. My wife moved to Florida earlier than myself since she found a job here. I was transferred withing the company I had been with for 1 year. The company was new
In 2012, we moved to Florida to get away from the environment that we were in, well that, and the weather, I have snow and grey skies. So my wife got a new job in Florida, she moved down 6 months before I was able to transfer. I transferred within the company I had been with and for a year things seemed ok. It was a newly purchased company so the culture had not transferred yet. As people from other parts on the organization moved to the new place, the culture shifted and began to mimic what I experienced before.
At that point I had finally had enough and I moved to a new company. I had to go back to an individual contributor role but at least I was out of that place. After my wife’s accident, she had decided that she wanted to chage careers and she started to go back to school to become a doctor
…this is more relevant after I tell you that in 2008 we had our first child. So there were all kinds of things going on at that time. Shortly after giving birth, she had to travel again, every so often, for work and I took care of the child while she was gone.
So once we were in Florida, I was working, she was working and going to school…she got fired from her job about 10 months after she started at the new company…not her fault by the way (longer story).
So she ended up not going back to work and focused soley on school. At this point we have 2 houses (one we still need to sell but is at least currently being rented) half the income…etc. Things have stabilized a little from all of this chaos and we should be able to survive on one income.
SO, what led up to my ED? Stress…job, family loss, spouse, child…and after viewing your program, I believe porn has contributed too…that is my guess anyhow. Like I mentioned, I found out for sure in 2008 when I had blood in my semen (scared the hell out of me due to the possibility of cancer) and went to the urologist to get completely checked out only to find out that I had a Low T condition.
I spent the next 4 1/2 years trying to raise my levels to normal…this only happened last August 2012 after trying a variety of medications.
And as far as ED is concerned, sexual performance was obviously bad before 2008, that was just when I found out about the low T.
My wife now says that she was been trying to keep the marriage together through all of these years and she can’t do it anymore.
She is no longer attracted to me because of the sexual situation
. I told her that I was in no condition to do anything about it while I was trying to solve my low T problem and feeling that I was not a man at all (yes self-pitty mode happened too). So, to try and relieve my own stress I turned to porn and masturbation almost everyday because it became easier than dealing with the sexual issues.
We still tried to have sex but it started to get less and less, more and more failures, and she just cries at the thought of it these days.
I stopped porn usage 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have only had sex once during this time too (I gave into my hormones a week ago) during the discussion the other day Matt said it would be ok to have sex…but maybe not in my case.
What ever is required, I will do, to help me regain a good/great sex life. As far as I am concerned, this is the rest of our life we are talking about.
I forgot to mention that we are trying the cuddling too…but has only been over the last 5 days. Going slowly…mainly with some clothes on and not a lot of caressing, mainly just holding. Don’t know how this should progress…or if we are doing the right things
If you need more details, just let me know.
Stan, the cuddling is very very important.
Keep at it. Clothes on, off whatever. It is incredibly valuable. If anything will bring your wife back to you (and nothing may, it is true) this will do it. The more the better. It is good for you and good for her. Nothing like it in the world. Even if you have to do it with clothes on, next to the TV, it will warm her and you up like nothing else.
On to the issue. You have porn-induced ED most probably at this point. Don’t listen to peopel who say age and medical situation will make you not function like a man. It is true only in rare cases. Most of it is due to desensitization.
Stop masturbation completely as far as you can.
Stop looking at porn. Stop looking at Facebook photos, Youtube pix of pretty girls, dating site photos, Craigslist personals, etc. All that stuff is bad for the brain’s pleasure center and needs to go.
Stop fantasy. Harder to do but very important. When fantasy strikes, try to cut it right off. There will be a 30 minute hormonal surge that you can expect and then that will end and you’ll feel okay. But those 30 minutes are dangerous in terms of getting tempted to masturbate or look at porn (and just looking counts!)
Sex with your woman is fine. A lot of men find it may slow their recovery down a bit. If you can have non-orgasmic intercourse that is ideal but it is difficult if you haven’t practiced. But this is real partner sex that you WANT your brain wired to. Just don’t try something that puts you into a “must perform” feeling — that is very counter-productive.
Expect to go through a “flatline” stage where your penis may look shriveled and you won’t care about sex at all. That can last several weeks or several months. Then it all comes roaring back — first morning erections, then spontaneous erections, and then you’re back in business.